Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)
Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad: Fuck the government.
Dad: Fuck the school board.
Dad: Close the door.
Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad: I love puns.
Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad: Please shut up.
Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad: They act like I care what they think.
Dad: I hate homework.
Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
399,431 plays

shiksa-feminista:

riningear:

Pompeii 
(pitched to different “gender”)

Sorry for low-tier quality, I just really wanted to hear what this would sound like. 

HOLY FUCK

Man, I love that one Disney movie

marauders4evr:

That opens up with chanting in a different language

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With the royal family

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And the adorable children

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And the tragic death(s)

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And then our hero runs away

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And sings a really catchy song about being free

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Without realizing that the kingdom is in ruins

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And is being ruled by a villain who wants to be king

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A villain who is really good at causing guilt trips

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And so our hero goes back

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And they all live happily ever after

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It’s such a great movie

plotdesigner:

falling-in-love-with-fandoms:

highfunctioningdarklordofall:

can’t you imagine it though?

ginny’s going through a questioning phase and her older brothers keep making sex jokes so she writes in her diary “what’s a clitoris?” and tom’s on the other side like “i am a dark lord but i have a duty to this poor girl”

are you trying to insinuate that Voldemort gave Ginny Weasley the sex talk

zedmaliks:

#me thinking about zayn
dpicchiophotos:

I had my boyfriend who smokes use matches for a few days instead of a lighter and record the date and time and whatever he was thinking about while smoking. 
It’s funny that he quit smoking a few weeks after this project. 

dpicchiophotos:

I had my boyfriend who smokes use matches for a few days instead of a lighter and record the date and time and whatever he was thinking about while smoking. 

It’s funny that he quit smoking a few weeks after this project. 

mrcraabs:

why the fuck cant i have a best friend who lives 30 seconds away from me who always comes over and we just stay at each others houses whenever movies are so deceiving

My best friend lives two streets down and it literally takes three minutes to walk at a slow pace to her house and YET we never visit each other bc we just kinda talk a lot at school

blendablelion:

harroldstyle:

IM SO PISSED OFF THAT WE DONT HAVE BALLS ANY MORE
I WANT TO WEAR A HUGE DRESS AND BE COURTED AND DANCE AROUND AND HAVE MY GOWN SWEEP THE FLOOR AND BE ALL ELEGANT AND GRACEFUL WITH GLOVES AND SHIT

BUT NO WE HAVE DUMB HOUSE PARTIES WITH CHEAP BEER AND RED CUPS AND HORNY TEENAGE BOYS WHO PUT THEIR HANDS UP MY SHIRT 

for a second there i thought you were talking about testicles omg

lets-get-fit-madafaka:

the-perks-of-being-a-healthblr:

thorthousand1:

Just called an anorexia help line and the girl answered and immediately hearing I was male said “you’re real funny douche” and hung up. If you dot think that’s messed up, u messed up.

That isn’t right. I’m so sorry.

Nobody should go through that!! That’s so awful :(

goddess-river:

what guys say PMS does:

  • turns women into emotional bitches

what PMS actually does:

  • increases breast size from retaining water
  • increases sex drive
  • lowers a woman’s tolerance for sexism

phantastus:

railerat:

yellowcrayonwillow:

Hi please watch this poor mailman get attacked by a cat it’s v. important

TAKE IT WITH YOU.

I THINK MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT THIS IS HOW CHEERFUL THE MAILMAN IS. HE AIN’T EVEN MAD.

I wouldn’t be either because this is hysterical.

badassmccall:

if someone asks if youre wearing the same jeans as you wore yesterday and you are just say “have you ever heard of a washing machine” because they will think that you washed them but you are actually just assessing their knowledge of basic household appliances

confusedbloggerwithacat:

gingerblivet:

do-you-have-a-flag:

I watch this disturbing video every easter

The entirely pastel backgrounds are what make this a masterpiece. 

Its sort of heartbreaking in its own way